Thought I'd do something a little different this morning and share a piece I wrote for the website Timothy McSweeney's Internet Tendency. I submitted it for their "Reviews of New Food" column this morning. I've enjoyed creative writing since I was in second grade and started hand-writing humorous stories about my days at school, but haven't submitted anything for publication since my high school literary magazine. I hope this gets published (and will definitely let you know if it does!).
DISCLAIMER: The following contains some profanity and high levels of sarcasm. I wrote in the satirical style that McSweeney's is famous for so please do not read if you feel you will be offended by it! It is meant to be a playful, whimsical tale of my first time trying these Oreos, so please take as such. For those who dare to continue, I hope you enjoy!
I
have been an avid Oreo lover since I was old enough to eat solid food. I have
fond memories of deconstructing these sinful sandwiches with my dad and
stacking them back together with peanut butter, whipped cream, and other sweets
to make towering, saccharine-filled monstrosities that would make any dentist
cringe. (My dad actually is a dentist, making this even more ironic.)
Needless to say, when my fiancé and I saw the Strawberry Shortcake variety at
our local Wal-Mart one innocuous Friday afternoon, I nearly trampled some kids
in the aisle on the way to grab a bag. (Side note: Wal-Mart is the only, and I
mean ONLY, place we have been able to find these fucking things - meaning that
whenever I get a craving for them, I must first endure horrific parking lots,
masses of stupidity, and blinding florescent lights before I can finally tear
into the famous blue bag. But that's an entirely different story.)
Over
the years, whenever Oreo has released a new flavor, I have always been first in
line to try them: lemon, gingerbread, mint, even the various flavors in the
super-chocolatey "Fudge Creme" line. My favorite has always been the
white chocolate-covered Oreos that show up around the holidays - until now.
These have the golden Oreo cookie with a strawberry cream filling, and are a
total game-changer. As soon as we got home we each poured a tall glass of whole
milk (fuck that 2% bullshit - if I'm going to indulge, I'm committing 100%) and
brought the bag into our room, where we closed the curtains, turned on Netflix,
and ripped them open.
The
first thing we noticed was the aroma: In my 33 years on this Earth, I have
tried many a "strawberry-shortcake-flavored" treat, only to be
severely disappointed (and, truthfully, pissed) by the end result. Not with
these. Nabisco did it right, my friend. These little sons of bitches tasted
like the best strawberry shortcake dessert I could ever imagine. I like to
twist, eat one cookie first, lick the cream off the second, and then dip the
naked cookie into milk and eat it, while my fiancé dunks the whole cookie at
once and eats it lke that. I recommend eating these fuckers any way you can -
there is no wrong way. The golden Oreos served as a perfect foil to the
strawberry cream - the shortcake part of the dessert, if you will. Suffice it
to say that we devoured that entire goddamn bag in one sitting, and were only
left wanting more. We made three more unnecessary, horrendous,
migraine-inducing trips to Wal-Mart that weekend alone, each trip resulting the
same way - shame-eating the entire package by ourselves in the dark.
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